The reality of the situation was that I found myself in love with a "man" that didn’t even know if he wanted to be with me, that should've been the 1st sign. A "man" that wanted me to conduct myself in a certain way, talk to him freely, and accept the things that I didn't find acceptable. A "man" that saw my emotions as a problem as oppose to a responsibility. That should've been a sign. A "man" that believed that this situation was like that because of me. Now lets just say that it was..…I was willing to fix that, in the then. We were supposed to make it to this better place, which meant in the mean time I was just supposed to accept... whatever came with it? I didn’t want to but I did and now I don't want to anymore. So yeah....I left, even though he asked me to stay. Stay for what?? We're were lying to ourselves. Trying to make something possible that we knew wasn’t. I did/do want to be loved pretty bad, but he just wasn't the one. I used to wish he was. "They" say the person who did most of the complaining is the person that had more feelings. I felt a lot...mostly misunderstood. Why should I have expected him to understand?? His life is full with so many other things far more important than me. He said he’d never been in love, that should’ve been a sign. Maybe he wasn’t capable. Maybe I didn’t know how to accept it. I shoulda been left. I was so confused. Constant back and forth. I really didn't believe it was all my fault. I just wanted it to work, but it didn't, and that should've been a sign. He wanted a strong woman.....I was one before him. So maybe it was him. He wanted a strong woman......but he carried on with childish, selfish, spiteful tendencies. He wanted, and wanted, and wanted.......all theses things, and all this power, and submissiveness even, without working for it, earning, deserving it. I was just supposed to give it to him bcuz....... occasionally he showed me how he felt and he have good sex?? And that too was a sign. Some stability woulda been great. Or even actions that complimented his words. That alone could've change everything. But he was too pussy to take that chance. But this was a game played, by his rules and I lost, miserably. So I said fuck it. I'm really good at that. Tuffing it out, not so much!! I mean it isn’t my favorite course of action, but I was willing to try anything to have filled that void. But he wasn't worth it and I got tired. Of the ups and downs, the highs and lows. The constant battle with “WTF is going on??” I liked his face, his smile, his hands, and even his feet. I really hate feet. I had pictured him as the father of my children one day. He's going to be a great dad. I saw me spending the rest of my life with him and growing old.....I'm flexible. I have skeletons, that are far from in the closet. A scarlet letter I will always bare. A monkey on my back if you will. And he was a constant reminder of a life that was no longer mine, that should've been a sign, but yet I stayed. I wanted to be able to walk into the room and kiss him without wondering if he’s gonna move his face. I wanted to talk about him with confidence. I wanted to finish his sentences. I wanted those things then, and he was still trying to figure out if he wanted me at all. But he loves me??
I could think of so many songs that depicted my daily comings and goings. The questions that I fought with. Simple shit, like if he was going to pick up the phone if I called?? Cuz we had a “relationship” based on txt messaging. I was emotional and showing weakness and all of these things, and his solution was to distance himself and withhold sex. Sounds like punishment and it should've been a sign. How old am I again?? And if that was the solution to a problem, what did that say about issues to come. I was just supposed to sit back and just be there. Regardless of whether or not I was happy, regardless of whether or not it was tearing me apart inside. Cuz this was all my fault. Maybe it was. Maybe I should've left when everyone told me it was going to be like this. They didn't tell me you were a coward though, but I should've known. Maybe I should've never drove up there that Friday night, the 13th at that, the effin signs..... I ignored the signs....
Monday, June 14, 2010
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Yeah, well...ignore your "gut" at your own peril. You don't even have to think about it long to realize that you had the answers all along...but in situations like this (and it does go both ways) we always see what we want to see...always look to the good and how things "could be", "should be", "would be", only IF...
ReplyDeleteWe always think our loving someone can change them...that they'll realize, eventually, what they've got and respond accordingly with actions that affirm our 'faith' in them. That they'll begin and continute to contribute to a shared vision.
We know. We ALWAYS know. And somehow we seem too often to ignore what we know and perceive in favor of our most heartfelt wishes. It's a path to disappointment we've all tread...vowing next time not to ignore that signpost up ahead...yet we blow past, forgetting our lessons, hoping that the next fork in the road will lead to bliss...and not the abyss we KNEW was there, having visited those dark realms before.
Just don't stay too long...
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ReplyDeleteHello, Fist time commenter long time reader (actually today is the first day). Gina Rap's put me on to your blog and I must say I was pleasantly suprised at how good it is. I am not sure if I should comment on everything individually or if I should just summarize it, so let me just start with the latter of the two. The Signs, The End, The Real End, The Beginning and Last Night are all really thought provoking blogs. In reading them I can relate too well as being that person in the relationship doing some of the things that you are talking about being done to you. I would never judge on whether that was right or wrong in someone else's relationship, but I know from reading your words and thinking about the experiences I had and the way those young ladies felt at the time I know it was not right for things to go that way. Obviously if everyone is honest with themselves more, certain situations don't have to be as hard as they turn out to be. That version of the guy you depicted in the blogs who I resembled once upon a time is not the guy I wanna be and I'm sure a lot of guys who are like that don't want to be like that either, but don't realize they are while inside that kinda relationship. A blog like this where you can get the insite of someone who has been in a similiar situation might help put things in perspective so someone who is acting like that guy male or female can make better decisions and same for the person who is playing your role in the relationship. I commend you for putting it out there, whether its to heal yourself or help others (and who says there mutually exclusive). This a very good blog, a very entertaining read and you are a very good writer and I hope to read more of your stuff!
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