Wrote this a few months ago...
Some of my choices are not my favorite. Some of the places I’ve been haven’t always been the brightest. Some of the roads I’ve traveled were crowded as hell. But somehow, I always managed to do what I wanted to do. Made sure that the decisions I made were my own. And for a while that comforted me enough to validate my actions. But right now I want something for later that I can’t have because of before.
Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s destiny, maybe it’s a sign. Happiness isn’t for everyone, who am I to think that it should be for me? I have a heart, yes. I love big, yes. But do I love wrong?? My mind drifts, my soul grows weary, my eyes tell the story of a woman scorned. Let it happen or make it happen?? Meant to be or meant to mold?? Free to love or trapped by captivity?? Move on or keep trying? My mind knows what to do, my heart knows how it feels, and my mouth just doesn’t say the right things….I love in a world where hearts have gone cold, souls have grown old, dreams have been sold. I yearn for the moment when…I will be good enough. I envision the time when all I want will be mine. I daydream for hours about beating hearts and bonded souls. And growing old……with that something I want right now for later.
But who I am isn’t good enough, and who I was is definitely worse….who I will be?? Is that better?? How would you know….If you could see me for the woman I am to you, and not who I was to someone else….If you could judge my good just as quick as the bad….and show me love all the time, not just right b4 that time…..if you saw the beauty in me….there’s no telling what we could be….and we could be worse, but what’s it worth???
I’m takin that chance by exposing my truths and enlightening you to the depths of my realms, and all that I ask is you hear what I say and interpret my words, not interpret what is it that you think that I mean. Ask me some questions, tell me no lies, give me some options when it comes time to decide. I’m a hopeless romantic, a dreamer of sorts, a believer in achieving through hard work and effort. A forgiver of sins, a ewer of hope, a pilar of genuineness. The only constant is time, people change as does the weather. Nothing means more than our time spent together, see me for me and love me the same. I want you now for later, but I can’t change yesterday.
Monday, June 14, 2010
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Loved it, Keep up the good writing
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery. I feel your pain...heartfelt longing and oft deep sadness...Searching, seemingly for quiet understanding and an unfettered, truly intimate bond. one that is uninhibited, which draws its strength from openness and vulnerability. It's a two-way street, of course. All these things you allow yourself to be and do... But without reciprocity become 'self sacrifice' on your part as opposed to compromise reached by both. But you already understand all that...You seem to be asking why does it have to be that way?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. Aside from living in a culture (if you can call it that) which not only allows, but fosters and promotes fear to such an extent that it trickles down and greatly affects the depth of our relational interaction. Sht is fkd up, yo.
You have a way with words yourself there....
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