Last Night

So last night I went out with a friend...long story short, after successfully not being pressured to sleep with him and a still relaxing and romantic evening, I decided to take away from the outing the most supportive and comforting piece of advice that I have received in a long time. In my quest to enter the career of my dreams, I have stumbled upon many obstacles that at times are discouraging and more so disheartening. My love of writing, freedom of expression, is the most satisfying feeling, at least for me anyway. I find clarity and solace in the art. And it provides a peace within my soul. So his simple words "just write" is what I'm going to do.

We walked around various parts of the city last nite and one thing that held true throughout was companionship. Everyone was with someone. Friend, lover, parent, child, sibling, someone.... And I thought to myself, how is it that I can have someone and yet still feel so alone, you know?? A man that claims to love me but in reality hasn't the slightest idea what the word means much less what it is that would make me happy. An undefined "relationship" for which no responsibility is taken. So here we find selfishness, an emotion that I was fortunate enough not to have inbedded in me. But more and more I feel the need to adapt. The constant disappointment that comes as a result of expectations held way too high. Believing that people, and more so the ones that claim to love and need you, will act with your best interest in mind. So I sacrifice my happiness for loyalty and my determination for contentment, and my passion for complacency. Which leaves me here....which is where exactly???

I feel a void, like a never ending emptiness that I believe can only be filled by true love. Not a soul mate, fate or even destiny. But a love that is defined by the NEED to satisfy the other for the sole purpose of their happiness, with you, forever. A love that is worth the risk and the sacrifice, and the reward ....priceless.

So as I continue on the quest for my true loves.....I will remember the words from last nite and I will remember my goals. I was not born to be alone nor to be average, and I will refuse to settle for anything less.

I will NOT digress!