Not me, not no more

This blog entry originally didn't go like this, but the calm after the storm has left me feeling a kinda way, so I decided to make some edits....

Disappointed would be an understatement. Sad seems accurate as does stupid. I'm aware that you're not all bad. But I can't get this time back, I can't change what's happen, and I do really even know why it's over, but it is. At times, especially when I'm home I find myself reminiscing about the sweet unexpected things that you've done, and of course I smile. But that smile eventually fades and I'm left thinking about the ugly unwarranted things that you've done. And I don't understand why I put up with it?? What was it that I couldn't walk away from?? Why did I want to be with you so bad?? Everything, and everyone seemed to know before me, but I persisted. I thought that my presence would be enough for a lot of things to be different but it wasn't. I applaud your consistency and I admire your dedication to family. You have enlightened me to so much and made quite a few things clear.

People, mostly men, wonder how and more so why women turn. What gets them to this place in which nothing else matters and the attitude is now "so what"! I find myself feeling like this, right now, as I type. And I know that if asked, I would have what I believe to be a valid reason. Whether it seems justifiable in someone else's eyes or not, I could care less.

I know giving into this sensation would be more than a short change to myself, but it's tempting. And it's all my own fault. Let me explain...

When you don't allow yourself to be defined by titles, and you pour your all into something that you want, it comes with a price. And for me, that price has been the pieces of me that are taken every time one of you goes. To say this last one was the first time, would be a lie, but it has been the most traumatic. It's the one that I know for sure is really going to affect the ones to come whether I want it to or not. There's nothing worse than not feeling good enough or knowing that your all means nothing. Nothing worse than constantly trying to understand and be understood, respect and be respected, believe and be believed, especially when the only person that matters isn't you. I'm sure my interpretation is different than his, but he didn't give what I gave and he'll never know how hard it was for me to do. Had I taken my issues from the one before him and applied it to him, I'd be wrong. But this "everyone gets a clean slate thing" is the most false statement ever. One bag a lies!

So I take from this years journey a lesson that could only be taught, for it is the things that I learn and experience that make me who I am. The me you think you know, but you have no idea....