It Matters to Me.....

It's always after one of these convo when I feel so heavy, so placated. I'm always walking on thin ice, never able to just say what I feel so clearly in my mind. It's always after these convos that I try to convince myself that I don't care or that it doesn't matter, or it's whatever. But it's not whatever, and I do care and it does matter. It matters that the way I feel doesn't matter to you. It matters that things I want to say go unheard. It matters that someone I have feelings for can ignore that at all the wrong times. It matters that I have invested so much of myself into something that has no definition or future in sight. It matters that I don't have anyone distracting me from the bullshit of us so it weighs heavy on me and me alone. It should matter that I don't feel the need to even the playing field just to be distracted from the things that you do that bother me. It all matters and I just wish you could see that. I don't have a clue why you're here. I get on your nerves. I'm repetitive I drive you up a wall. And maybe I need a bit of verbal reassurance sometimes, but why is that so much to ask?? You're not my anything. We're not even dating according to you, and it's probably my fault, why buy the cow when you get the milk and then some for free. And it's my fault, expecting us to be something by this point, but nothing at all, really?? I say how I feel, i tell you what I want, and that's all for nothing. Not that I didn't have speculations about you and other ppl, but how many times have I expressed how much I didn't want/like you being with other ppl and me?? My fault for making you my one and only, but you probably don't even believe that, and you have no idea how much that hurts. I hate the thought of you with someone else and I hate that I share every part of me with you, unprotected at that, and you share parts of you with others. I hate it. And I don't care how often or not often it is, it makes me feel stupid and cheap and unworthy and dirty. And if I let you tell it, they are my emotions and I need to deal with them. But if I wanted to deal with my emotions alone, then I'd be alone. I feel like I'm going to implode. None of this you will read but I'm sure you will say you already know, but because you're only born to die, whatever happens in between is whatever. And whoever's life's path you cross along the way, too bad for them. I take responsibilty for the roles I play in the lives of the ppl I meet. And i try my best to give good lasting impressions to those who stuck around for part of the journey. How can everyone be so mean, and cruel, and selfish??? I wish I was, and my moms tells me not to think like that, but what my mom doesn't know, is this place she chose to migrate to, to make a better life, etc...has been nothing but evil and cold and cruel to me and it's because she raised me one way in a place that was nothing but the opposite. I am by no means blaming her, but she is the only person that understands my heart and how big and giving and fragile. She is the only person that truly knows what it is that I've been trying to fill it with, and I am the only person that truly knows that it's never been filled. Never even close. And it hurts like hell that this is my reality. It hurts like hell because I care for someone who could care less and I have grown fond of someone who has someone else and it hurts because I know that I deserve better, but this is what I want. I'm so lonely and that doesn't even make sense, but you're only here in the flesh. Your mind, your heart, your existence is somewhere else. Maybe you're too busy, stretched to thin, or maybe you're just over it. Maybe I'm too needy. I thought that because that I didn't want anything material that the things I did want would be easier to receive, but it's quite the opposite. I got that all wrong. Maybe I have everything wrong, but I will never know if I wait for you to tell me. This isn't out of no where, you inserted these doubts. I honestly don't think I love u but WTF could have me unable to let go of a nigga like you. It's not the chase, it's not the sweet sentiments or the random acts of kindness or the spontaneity or showering of gifts or the understanding or compassion or security and stability. Whatever it is, has a hold on me....