Jekyll and Hyde

I guess the ppl who keep tellin me to "let your emotions out", and "talk about it", and "stop bottling up how you feel", don't read my blog, lol. It's ok though....I prefer it to be my own personal outlet for now. It helps me in a lot of ways. Everyone's asking "what's wrong" and "what's going on with you". "You don't seem like yourself". I know and it's because at the moment I'm not. Those ppl who do read my posts, I hope you know me enough to hear the tone in my voice as the words pour from my fingers. I hope you like me enough to not judge, and I hope you trust me enough to know that I'll be fine.

One of the hardest things for me to do has always been...let go. But the more I try to make it right the worse it gets, for me anyway. Like never ending slaps in the face. So acceptance is something that I'm challenging myself to learn. I have to put what I feel aside and accept things for what they are and accept ppl who's true colors shine bright. Regardless of the hurt and confusion, I have to learn how to accept ppl who aren't like me, at least not in the ways that I think are good. I can't expect everyone to possess the passion or commitment that I do, but I also can't b the one who constantly gets lost in the situations I put myself in. I do, all that I do, for good reason. Many times I end up at fault, but the effort always comes from a good place. Execution might not always go as planned, but, regardless I try. But I keep trying, and that's my downfall. I wish I was one of those ppl who could just walk away. Act like nothing ever happened. Forget all the good and just stay mad at all the bad. That would help alot right now.

So here it is....

Columbus weekend, I realized that I cared for someone more than I knew at the time. It was such a clarifying moment for me though and I thought it was a good thing. It was a good thing. I thought things would only get better from there. Now that same care keeps me in pain, and confused, and hurt. I'd have done anything.....The day after the party, I knew nothing would be the same. Not sure if my emotions/hormones got the best of me that Sunday night, but I meant no disrespect. I knew, then, but couldn't form the words. I was terrified that he'd be terrified. So I dealt with it as best I could. Am I'm still dealing with it and he's not dealing with me.

So.....to the ppl who care about how I feel, now you know. I'm not ok, but I will be. I'm not happy but I was and I will be again. I'm mad and hurt and lonely and sad. But I will be ok, that much I've learned from it all.