Maybe....

Since i'm not tired and its 1:39am, I figured I share the thoughts in my head with you. I been trying to remember when was the last time I was happy. Truly happy, with or because of a man. i realize, let's just say it's been over a decade. I also realize that I have daddy issues. Not like I never met my father issues, but more like never felt the love from my father. he's a good man, not a dirtbag at all. But he wasn't affectionate. With that said, I find myself attempting to obtain these things from the men that i choose to engage with, for lack of a better term. And that's not right. But how do i fix it?

I've thought about therapy, but I don't just want to be another body on a couch pouring my heart for someone who has to remain removed from the situation. Although I wouldn't mind the opportunity to get all these thoughts out of my mind. they drive me crazy, keep my up at night and ultimately force them men, whose love I so desperately desire out of my life. And that's not right.

I try to find ways to suppress these emotions, and stop them from traveling that short path from my brain to my mouth, but most times I can't. I try to accept what is and even have faith, but that only lasts but for so long and I find myself doing the exact things that I promised myself I wouldn't. I try to make peace with the things that have happened to me, whether my fault or not, but what remains is this underlying sense of entitlement, maybe... But I try and I keep trying because I feel like that's better than giving up or giving in, but is it really??

Sometimes I just feel like I wasn't supposed to be here, now, the era, the borough, state, or country even. And I think of escaping, but wouldn't the things that i'm running away from just follow me?? I mean what's the chances that I leave, because I clearly can't return to my mother's womb, and all of a sudden this void is filled. I'm not that lucky, at least I haven't been thus far...

Optimism is something I try to encompass, but I have these things called expectations.....and they kill me every time. Guaranteed. In all my years of trying this love things I've managed to get rid of some and alter others, but still I find myself never being satisfied with the cards that I'm dealt. I find fault it almost everything and sometimes it's for the better. Most times not.

And I'm OK with this current endeavor coming to a close, even though it's only just begun. But that's not what I want. I can remove myself from my dad when the "machismo" begins to surface because at the end of the day he will always be my dad regardless. But I can't keep doing that with men. For many a reason. So what do I do??

I can tell you what I'm not going to do....(more like going to try not to do)

settle
bring up any of what I did today
expect more than what's possible from those around me

All of those are lose-lose situations, just take my word for it because I'm going to spare you the details. I just wanna be a girl. I wanna relax and let someone take care of me. The guard has been up for too long and it's in the way, has been for a while, and I know a lot of what I go through has to do with that, I just want to be sure, you know?? Before I go peeling it off and exposing myself to vultures of this world, I want to be sure that at least, I'm putting it in the right hands and I'm doing it for the right person. And I'm not talkin Mr. Perfect, fuck him, but the ppl whose paths were destined to cross mine.....

Maybe I want too much, maybe I'm too damaged, maybe I've allowed my past failures to dictate my future for far too long and that has got to stop.

Maybe,

Or maybe it's this dam IUD fucking with my hormones...