If only...

I spend so much time thinking about and caring about ppl that i shouldn't. I often feel surrounded by opportunists and ppl who just wanna take and giving isn't in their vocabulary. Ppl who live in their own worlds and have selective memories. I've been an emotional person for as long as i can remember and I think I have finally hit that point where I don't give a fuck. I don't care, more like can't care. I'm losing friends on a monthly basis, losing sleep and sanity and understanding and even my faith. Can't lose my faith though, can't do that. I miss my friend and I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around what's going on and I've had someone to comfort me, and I'm grateful, bcuz he's here. But i can't deal with all of this, it's too much, its too heavy.

My heart's too big and i'm suffocating from all of my emotions. I see your face Juse and I hear your voice like it was yesterday and I keep wondering what if this or what if that. I want to believe you're in a better place but I can't help but think that you're as angry as I am. I hope to see you again and I'm not sure if I want it to be soon... but if you see Lane, tell him hi and I love him too. And Kendra and Allistair and Leon and Maxine and Dani and Ron and Tafari. I miss my friends.....

I appreciate that my friends and family were worried about me but I have to deal with what I'm going through in my own way. I have learned especially in these last few months, life is too short for me to spend so much of my time wondering about things I can't control. I live in a place where everyone's caught up in themselves and I worry about them but I'm resigning from that position. I want my friend back and I want a man who's compassionate and friends who aren't selfish and family who knows when i just wanna talk and not be lectured and anyone who doesn't want to be in my life as a friend, lover, whatever, to leave me the fuck alone.

i want the coward who did this to pay with his life I want to go back a week and change it all. I'm angry at the world and I'm hurting and that's all I can deal with at the moment.