My Life....

To say I know exactly what I want in life would be a lie because for a long time I thought I wanted this fabulous career and a man to love me for me. Kids maybe, house no, dog why not. But as the years go by, faster and faster, I realize that what I want, really and truly want, may never happen. So I think its time to come to a conclusion about the things that I NEED.

I need to be true to myself, respect and love myself, and God. I need to stop making excuses and thinking every guy is the one. I need to leave room for error and not expect everyone I meet to be rationale and decent and humane. I need to trust that there is a bigger plan for me. I need to believe that one day the voids that I feel will be filled. Trust in the lord, my mom says. I need to let go of things past and make room for things new. I would love to say that was always simple enough to do…..

I need to stop giving the best of me to people who don’t deserve it and take care of my heart the same way I take care of others. This need to make others happy and help and provide, as honorable as it may be, has lead me down some roads that I wished I never walked. I have no regrets, let’s make that clear. But if I had a chance to do a few tings different I would. Make more choices for myself and pay less heed to others. I need to establish a line within myself that NO ONE can cross without good reason. Hope….hope will get me killed. And I know that may sound drastic, but the lowest times in my life have been when ppl I trusted, depended on, loved, and believed in, let me down and hurt me, and that’s all because I had faith and hope that they wouldn’t . I wouldn’t say I set the bar too high, but my level of expectations beseeches those who I entrust it to. I try to be noble and honorable as often as I can, I expect forgiveness for my mistakes, and I naturally expect people to reciprocate my kindness. People say I’m angry, and I am, but it’s not at the world. It’s mostly at myself. There are things, 2 to be exact, that have happened to me in my life that I can never talk about. Things that I know I will take to my grave, and sometimes I feel like I'm ready, to just tell someone, I actually had the person picked out, and I bitched up. So I NEED to move on from that.

I’m supposed to learn from the lessons life has taught me and I’m supposed to take what I can from all situations, but learn what and take what?? Am I naïve if I say that as much as fire burns, I’d risk putting my hands in it to get what I think I need. I’ve been “fortunate” enough to experience a lot and see a lot of the things life has to offer. I know death as well as I know Calculus. I’ve traveled and I’ve seen many places in the world, and one things stands true. Everyone ,almost everyone, is looking for love. Company. Companionship. Misanthrope that I may be, I’m aware that I would like to spend the rest of my life with someone whose not obligated.

I’m passionate when it comes to the things that I want, and a lot less reserved when it comes to the things that I need. I refuse to settle and stand behind how I feel, While willing to sacrifice and compromise in between. I love like I’ve never been hurt and I live like I’m not afraid of dying. Supposedly you get once chance at this, and I would like to get it right. Don’t want my spirit to come back for unfinished business. But if I’ve already been here before, I’m pretty sure I know why I’ve returned.

Maybe I’m a dreamer or a hopeless romantic, maybe I want the only thing I’ve never had. But I know in my soul that the heart given to me was meant to be shared. The thing I can’t figure out is why all the people that cross my path don’t want it, take it and break it, abuse and misuse it, find all the flaws and ignore the beauty. Is it a sign that they aren’t the ones, or am I doing something wrong?? By no means do I think I’m perfect, but when I become aware of what I do wrong, I make it my mission to make it right.

One thing has always been clear, and that’s the fact that I want to be loved, at the right time, in that moment, by someone who owes me nothing. I want to get lost in it as unhealthy as it sounds, and I want to truly be able to say that I experienced it, in this lifetime, even if it doesn’t last. I could care less what people say, as this is my life not theirs. But I’ve seen the kind of love I’m talking about, so I know it’s real. And I’ll be damned if I go down without a fight. Not looking for the one, just a close alternative. No harm in that. But my life is directly affected by the numerous failures and countless attempts. I’ve lowered my standards, re-prioritized, and adjusted my ideals, yet still, here I am. It is often said, in one-way or another, that a child bears the burden of the parents short comings. If true, I have absolute clarity and understanding in re: to past 10 years of my life. If false, then WTF?? I’ve been down, more times than I care to remember, but up and at ‘em is where I’m supposed to be. And if it takes me a lifetime, so be it, I will not acquiesce.

The satisfaction in knowing that I tried is worth it, even though I’m surrounded by people who would rather quit, than tough things out. Make excuses as opposed to finding solutions. And I can never understand it, people who want so much but put forth minimal effort. From the moment you cross paths with someone you have altered their life in an irreversible way. And if you then make them part of your world, you are responsible for the all that transpires from that moment forward, as are they. Selfish and selfless as similar as they sound, are significant opposing factors in my reality. Why is the world filled with so much evil and viciousness and bad and wrong and all things not nice?? And why does it feel like I’m supposed to experience it all??? All the time??

They say things will get worse before the better...well?? I'm waiting