Self Assessment

I've been in a slump, a mental fog of sorts for a few weeks now and haven't had the motivation to write. The funny thing is writing is one of the few things that makes me feel better, so here I am.

Trying to make an honest attempt at getting to know myself and making sure that I am not a walking contradiction. At one point I was sure that I wasn't the jealous type and to an extent I still don't think I am, but the thing with these "open relationships" is that as long as it's not in your face its all good. But once the "other" ppl go from being just being an existence to existing, from a name to an actual person that you see and can describe, shit changes, period! And these "men" running round thinking that just because they don't tell you means that your clueless, or lying in the worst of ways and believing that they got away with it to me is down right laughable. I c right through you Judas!

I am the point where realizing what it is that truly makes me happy as opposed to settling/rationalizing/justifying whatever comes my way is a change I need to make ASAP. For far too long now the aspect of "men" in my life has been out of sync. I'm talkin one situation after another just goes to shit. I don't for one second put all that blame on the other party, I am an equal participant in the bullshit however, I'm never the quitter. Unless of course the situation becomes scary and life threatening, which unfortunately on more than one occasion it has.

But what it has become is redundant. More and more I find myself attracting ppl with the same tendencies as the person past. Quite nostalgic, yuck! And more and more I meet these ppl who feel like I should be bouncing off the walls just because they exist in my life. Whether they bring something to the table or not, excuse me?? I don't see you doin no mutha effin cartwheels on my behalf homie, and I'm far from a slouch. (finger waving, neck rolling). I got alot going on in my life and so much of it is positive. I got my own place, new vehicle, just got a promotion and a raise allowing me to quit my 2nd job and have a normal social life, good head on my shoulders, and milestones I'm achieving everyday. But I literally can't get a hold of this whole macho aspect. Which leads me to my next point.

Maybe I want it too bad or too much or for too long or maybe I don't deserve it or my time has come and gone, or he came and I wasn't paying attention or I dissed him for someone not even worth it. All these thoughts constantly running through my mind and I can't turn this shit off. It's either driving me crazy or making me extremely depressed. And at the end of the day I'm still alone. Even when I'm dating at times I still feel just as alone. If it's not one thing its another, and don't even get me started on the BM drama. The older I get the more likely these mofos have kids and the more likely I am to have to deal with some bitch I'd rather not! Seriously!. Which brings me to another point...

I see myself have one of a few options, I can either:
1. Keep trying to find the one (devoting time, energy, and attention into one person)
2. Date, multiple ppl, and hope that one stands out from the group enuff for me to give a damn without pissing off the others that for whatever reason think that there is no competition (in my DJ Drama voice)
3. Begin seminary school (As if!!)
4. Say fuck em all, mutha fuck em all!
5. Do what I want and get what I can and be "happy" with that for as long as I can
6. Or I can always relapse and entertain residual situations in which I am not surprised, hurt, pissed off by any outcome.
7. Jump off a cliff....FML

Now don't get me wrong, I got hoes. Bout 7 to be exact. But I just no longer see the point in entertaining situations in which I don't see potential and/or a future. I'm so over wasting time and going out for shits and giggles. It's expensive, gets old and boring, looks bad and quite frankly my playa days are so over. I can't keep up. But sometimes it's better than being alone, right??

So here's what Imma do this week. Trial and Error. Imma entertain a few ppl that I've been iggin. Imma go out and enjoy myself, Imma try not to think about the one person who could replace them all and Imma see what happens.


See I feel better already!