Encore, no??

I should just do it, and get it over with. Stop breaking promises to myself and just get 'er done. But I don't. Every time I make up my mind to, I struggle between just letting it fade away itself or toughing it out. Waiting to see what happens. Taking it day by day. But I'm not happy. I could be worse, this I know, but I could be happier and this I think I deserve. I don't ask for much and I don't think my sins have amounted to this much karma, but yet and still here I am. Forced to choose btwn being completely alone or involved yet still lonely. But forced by who?? Myself?? Am I really incapable of being alone?? Am I asking for/expecting too much from the ppl that are in my life by choice?? Bcuz they can leave when they're ready too. At times shit is just as bothersome to me as it is to them, but they stay. So why should I quit??

Maybe they have others, ppl to turn to when I become too much. Who am I to have an issue with that?? They don't even know the other one exists and to be honest, I'm really only with one, I really only want one. But I love the other. And they both exist for different reasons. One's accessible, one isn't. One loves me and one doesn't. One sexes and the other doesn't. One claims to want to be with be forever just not now. And the other is here now but I don't know for how much longer. One's stable one isn't...nope they're both unstable. One's not ready and the other is but I don't think it's for me. Neither of which I looked for but found placed in my way...

Stay, go, stay, go, I just really wanna be in a place of peace. Am I incapable of allowing the chips to fall where they may?? Or am I trying to control something I can't?? And why cant I just relax?? I think it's because I know what I want and refuse to settle. I used to be so non-chalant. But that got me nowhere, fast! And when I have no control I feel out of control and become my own worst enemy. I get all in my own way and make choices that I'm not 100% sure of and sometimes I even say things just to get a reaction. I'm aware that I do these things and even when I make up my mind to not, the first instance of bullshit and I'm back at it. But they aren't horrible, unforgivable things. I can draw a line. I just want stability, is that too much to ask?? I want to work towards something and not feel like my efforts are in vain or go unnoticed or don't mean shit.

Consistency is key and not having to worry about whether or not my lips were the last ones you kissed or my bed was the last one you slept in besides your own are qualms I'd rather not have. There are things that I'd rather not remember. Things that I've put up with that I would NEVER in a million years go for. So have I become naive or am I trying to justify reasons to not have to start over?? Cuz that's harder, right?? Having to get to know someone that you didn't know however many years ago? They could be anyone they wanna be......

Am I unrealistic?? Miracles are the furthest from my mind, BUT, I do think my wants are within reach. I do think they are attainable goals. I altered my "lists" and made them a bit more feasible and I've stopped looking for this love that doesn't seem to exist. I've been accepting and receptive to things that have come my way, even the ones that I would normally stay clear of, and yet and still I find myself wanting/needing more than I'm being offered. Am I greedy?? And I'm more than aware of the fact that I may very well have missed my chance, wasting time with someone that didn't deserve it. But do I really only get one??

Cuz now that I know what to do with it, I'd really like another.