Life that is...
It's one of few things that you have to try and get right the first time. There's no do overs, pending your post mortem beliefs. You get this one giant gift, that you didn't even ask for, but are expected to make the most of. And that's not factoring in all the adversities along the way. And that goes for all. Silver spoon or not, we all face life's uncertainties, but how we deal with them and what we learn from them are the things that make the experiences to come more valuable.
I've recently encountered two deaths. Completely opposite in nature, but none the less two lives that were cut too short. And every part of me wants to shut down and be mad at the world and what appears to be unfairness at times. But I know that I can't. There are people who depend on me, people who need me to be here, in the present. Doesn't mean I can't wonder what it's like to be void of it all.
I'm allowed to follows my thoughts to the farthest of realities and I envision what I deem would be more a suitable realm to reside, and I go to this place when the world I know does things that I can't comprehend. I go to this place, when I feel like no matter how much prayer, and forgiveness, and acceptance I encompass, nothing seems to numb the affliction.
Neither of these people were over 40, both have left children and loved ones behind. And I'm full of questions I will never get answers to, and in turn create doubts where there was once certainty. I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm scared. I wonder if they were scared. I've always been this emotional being, always. I've never been afraid to speak from my heart.
But my heart knows more death than it does love, it knows more loss than it does gain. And there's no promise that I will grow old, so how can I not wonder when the tables will turn. I would be selfish to say that I am not fortunate or unaccomplished, but I have been longing for a feeling that no matter how hard I try seems to elude me. So of course I wonder y?? And even sometimes when??
But since the news of my loss, all I can think about, is what if I never get the chance??
Monday, February 14, 2011
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its crazy how death makes us much aware of how we want to stay here.. its unfortunate we need to experience loss over and over.. I think its fucked up that we have to be in this position possibly for the rest of our lives till its our turn.. I for one do not want to live to see the day I loose anyone close enough to take me with them.. this is some fucked up part of life.. and i truly believe that with every person we loose, a part of us dies a little too.
ReplyDeletesomeone once told me that everyone dies a little everyday.. that shit is so true its disgusting..
Death, the ultimate unkown ironically is the only thing that is for certain in all of our lives... its going to sneak up on us whether we lead and live good lives or if we don't, if we live loving caring lives or if we're apathetic to anything and everyone in the world around us. Yes, we do die somewhat inside with each loss that comes our way yet on the flipside it serves as an event to remind us how precious our time in this realm is and should make us appreciate the fact that we're still here standing... death scares the shit out of me, so before my time comes I'm going to do what I intrinsically feel is the right way to make use of my time here, to leave such a legacy for my love ones that I'll eternally live on through their memories of me and through the stories they'll share about me... I send you my sincerest condolences for your recent losses... Even though you may know more death than love, or question how long you may live, I think the most important thing to do is to just live, is to exsist, is to interweave your being into your loved ones hearts n souls and know that at the end of the day that you have shown love, and that you have been a positive influence on other people's lives... life has its pains that make the sweet that much sweeter to us all
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