Touch Base

Feeling good today and I thought I'd get back to basics...let's jump right in, shall we??

SConrad Murray was found guilty and sentenced to 4 years in prison which was the maximum sentence allowed for the "crime" committed...my personal opinion on the matter....prosecuting him has changed nothing and as much as someone should be held responsible, the whole family and alla the friends who condoned/enabled his addiction prior to his death should be held accountable too..Moving on

The Eagles fucking suck...let me rephrase, Vince Young, YOU fucking suck. And coach you're probably going to get fired. Penn State and Syracuse coaches with your pedophile behaviors..you should be castrated and thrown to the wolves. And you wanna justify it by saying you only bathed with them and rubbed their legs, ARE YOU SERIOUS MY MAN???

Kim K - 72 days of marriage was longer than I thought it would last. Congrats Kourtney on bebe #2
Jay and B - Need I say more

I recorded the Vicky Fashion Show but have yet to watch it, I'm a lil too excited!!

Me and the boo are back on good terms for the moment....

Got most of my holiday shopping done this weekend..I love Marshall's

And how could I forget, i watched my very first (and probably last) episode of Love and Hip Hop and I must say....it is drama filled and action packed. These hoes are nauseating....
Side Note: - Love Jim Jones without the braids AND I don't care how they portray you, FAB you aight with me always.

Back on my twitter shit, kinda, sometimes
Did happen to get my groupie on last week, got to see LBJ, CP3, D-Wade, and Mello, not bad all the way around...

Haven't seen my boss since before Thanksgiving **sings Heaven I'm in Heaven...**

I feel like there was a topic that I really wanted to touch on, but have since forgot. (Maybe Marijuana really does have long term side effects...maybe)

REALITY CHECK: It's dead ass about to be Christmas, and as un-festive as I'm feeling, I can not WAIT for 2011 to be over...

I'll be back (in my best Arnold S impression...)

The Weekend!!

So this weekend was riveting to say the least....

Mayweather getting that good "W" by what most are calling a sucker punch. I dont care either way. I mean I would have liked to see them fight a bit more, but fuck it, he won, Ortiz lost and that's that. On another note, the main event for the weekend was Fab vs. Ray J.

Now let Ray J tell it, he whooped Fab's' ass.......

The rest of the world, knows that that would NEVER happen. Not prolly never, not maybe, NEVER!!!

Who the hell put that Duracell is his back?? Mary Jane?? Some say coke or pills. I say this man has lost his mind. I wish you would talk that shit anywhere other than a radio show, you are something else you kno!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he has goons, has goons. Him the actual goon though...Yea, prolly not

True Colors

So the magical stage is finally over and reality has to take its firm place. Not sure how to feel or what to think. Big difference between being upset and being disrespectful. And if I don't fight that dirty back and forth fight then I'm left alone with my thoughts and those alone drive me crazy. By no means am I ready for it to end, it's only the beginning, however.... I know for sure that I'm going to piss him off again and I know for sure that I can't stand to deal with the results of them if they are always going to be this vivid.

He feels I have no reason to be mad, he's entitled to his opinion. I have never in my life been called inconsiderate. It's like my entire life I've been anything but. And I thought that was the case this time around but clearly we are viewing this situation from different angles. Words usually don't hurt me, am actually quite surprised but this one did. Cut kinda deep considering I felt like I was doing way more than I should/had to to begin with... I mean we're just friends right??

But anway, can't take em back and everything going forward now has a shadow already hanging over it...a cloud of sorts. But whatever. Promised myself I'd stop expecting every guy I entertain to b the one....it would be nice though.

Can't Put My Finger On It

Trying to not let my doubts overwhelm me. But I know what people are capable of...
Trying not to seem jealous or insecure, but I know what ppl can do when you give them power
Don't want to come off naive, don't want to let my emotions get the best of me..
And I would NEVER go through all that he has, just for the thrill out it. But I'm not him...
I'm scared to float, cuz i'm scared to fall and I'm terrified to just believe because I can't
I can't just go head first, all in. As much as I want to, as much as I miss the feeling, as much as I say I'm going to..... I can't
My vivid imagination isn't the only thing getting the best of me.
I mean, I've been the user and the taker before. None of those my proudest moments
But that was then and this is now and I don't want wanna be the victim nor the abuser
I want to be me. Simple, sarcastic, loving, passionate, generous, beautiful ME.

I can't b this lucky, can I??
Or maybe it isn't luck it's just my turn, finally??
But him?? I've known him for like forever, kinda.
Timing is everything though
But it seems too ideal, is there such a thing??
I mean from the stature, to smarts, to ambitions, and even appetite he fits. He doesn't snore, he's not a stranger but yet he is. And I adore it all. And sleep peacefully
With one eye open...

Fine Tuning

Not sure why it still amazes me, but when people continuously point out my flaws as if they have none of their own it really pisses me off. I mean I don't walk around with a pen and pad detailing and documenting every thing that you do that I may not prefer, so it is fair to judge me?? Or anyone for that matter?? I mean when you leave room for speculation, how can one not assume and wonder?? And when you're guilty of the same infraction do I not mask my disdain with simple, "ok's."

I'm quite capabale of forming the words to get my point across but I make a decision before I just open my mouth... and I think to myself, "it is worth actually saying something about, worth the risk of an unnecessary argument, worth the time of being misunderstood and you're words misconstrued if not totally unheard" and I usually decide it's not worth it.

Then I kick myself because you don't exercise the same caution. You say what you want when you want and I make once again the conscious choice to inhale it and then exhale it. Not harbor or store, not throw back in your face, not remind you of your fuckin skeletons. In the end, I'm made aware of ppl's perceptions of me. In the end I am faced with the choice to do or do NOTHING about the assessments of me. Cuz they can't all be wrong, despite my intentions, I have a tendency to come off rougher, tougher, harsher than I intend.

I will not apologize, but I WILL decide if YOU'RE worth the fine tuning...

On my Mark...

Almost everything telling me to quit while I' ahead, but that's what I always do.
Constant back and forth between saying something or not, that's why I'm talking to you...
Nothing worse than feeling like you're not being heard, especially when you're speaking clear
Nothing worse than feeling so far apart, even when there's no option to be near
Trying to find a balance between two lives that have contrasts, comes with a price
Expensive to some, just needs to be worth the investment to me
Cuz I see things for what they are, and I accept things that CAN NOT change
But I will not be subjected to simplistic bullshit backed by selfishness
I will not continue to feel bad about the way I react to the utter bullshit that is thrown my way
I will not give in just to avoid an argument and relieve tension, so that YOU can smile
But I will stay and fight so long as I'm not a one man army
And I will tough it out so long as my efforts are heeded
I will deal with all of you as long as you deal with all of me
Like calculus I study you, and at times you help me out
Try to grasp the ins and outs, so the less often you shout
I hope you don't just expect it work, you mentioned that you were difficult and I stayed put
No memo from me but you'd be naive to think I was easy....
Had so much of nothing, I want a lil bit of something too bad
Is that too much to ask??

Check In

So my plan is to spend the next 11 mins til I can officially walk out the door at my job talking to you...Not sure what about but I feel like I've been neglecting you all.

To say I've been making some changes would be an understatement, I've gotten rid of some serious trash in my life. Sometimes I feel like going through the incinerator but fuck it. Fuc that and fuck them. Life's too short and I only have one so they say, so Imma try to live mine as happy and comfortably as possible.

I made room in my life to receive a blessing and I think I finally found one. I'm not sure if I'm seeing more than what it is but I like it either way. It's the same feeling I get when I pop a tag, that fresh clean relaxing comfort..

My worries are subsided and I can just focus on him and me. (Don't get it twisted, I'm still sleeping with one eye open, but at least I'm getting sleep).

On another note...Dam i lost my train of thought, b back manana!!!

If only...

I spend so much time thinking about and caring about ppl that i shouldn't. I often feel surrounded by opportunists and ppl who just wanna take and giving isn't in their vocabulary. Ppl who live in their own worlds and have selective memories. I've been an emotional person for as long as i can remember and I think I have finally hit that point where I don't give a fuck. I don't care, more like can't care. I'm losing friends on a monthly basis, losing sleep and sanity and understanding and even my faith. Can't lose my faith though, can't do that. I miss my friend and I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around what's going on and I've had someone to comfort me, and I'm grateful, bcuz he's here. But i can't deal with all of this, it's too much, its too heavy.

My heart's too big and i'm suffocating from all of my emotions. I see your face Juse and I hear your voice like it was yesterday and I keep wondering what if this or what if that. I want to believe you're in a better place but I can't help but think that you're as angry as I am. I hope to see you again and I'm not sure if I want it to be soon... but if you see Lane, tell him hi and I love him too. And Kendra and Allistair and Leon and Maxine and Dani and Ron and Tafari. I miss my friends.....

I appreciate that my friends and family were worried about me but I have to deal with what I'm going through in my own way. I have learned especially in these last few months, life is too short for me to spend so much of my time wondering about things I can't control. I live in a place where everyone's caught up in themselves and I worry about them but I'm resigning from that position. I want my friend back and I want a man who's compassionate and friends who aren't selfish and family who knows when i just wanna talk and not be lectured and anyone who doesn't want to be in my life as a friend, lover, whatever, to leave me the fuck alone.

i want the coward who did this to pay with his life I want to go back a week and change it all. I'm angry at the world and I'm hurting and that's all I can deal with at the moment.

See You Later

To say I wish i had the opportunity to know you even better seems unfair, but I m truly grateful that our paths crossed, never realized that 8 years have passed. I have so many mixed emotions and I feel soo many things. Anger, sadness, loss, vengeful, confusion, but mostly cheated. I feel like that ppl that know you and love you were robbed. I've dealt with death, but nothing like this. And I don't know what makes it worse: the fact that I didn't see you as much anymore or the fact that I just saw you. I can still hear you clearly and the image of your face keeps my up at night. You were so happy. I told you I would see you later, and off I went. So unaware, so sure that I would get the chance.

To say that the hearts of your family and friends isn't shattered would be a lie. Grown men cried, the heavens rained, and homage was paid to you as it rightfully should have been. I got D, she gon be aight. We love her just as much as you do.

I'm gonna miss your smile and your voice and bumping into in every time I came back to the hood. It's the simplest things that are now going to be the hardest. Like getting a lucey, or my eyebrows done, or driving down your block. But who am I to complain, I still have my life, right??

I wish you still had yours. I wish you were still right here with us, but you're not. And as much as everyone is telling me that I am going to get over it, I know I never will. Never. I know one day it won't hurt as much as I know that if you can see or hear me that you would want me to move on and I will. But you were just here, I just saw you...I can still see you.

My gramma wants me to believe that you are in a better place, and if that is the case, could you please say hi to Kendra, Allistair, Lane, Ron, Leon, Dani, Tafari, Maxine, Aunty Shirley.

There's a song on Beyonce's new album, "You're the only image in my mind, so I still see you, I miss u like everyday, wanna be with you but you're away, said I miss you, missing you insane...

I hope you're as happy as I last saw you, and I WILL see you later.

R.I.P Nicholas Telemaque aka Ju$e aka brolicalcoholic

2011 BET Awards

The 11th Annual BET Awards aired this past Sunday with first time host Kevin Hart. Now I had to write a 250 recap for a mag, so the following is all the things that I couldn't say...

First and foremost, Chris Brown those pants...are never gonna work. You know why I know that?? Cuz Hammer hit you up on Twitter giving you credit for them. Secondly, Kelly Rowland I enjoyed watching you come out of your shell like that, them hips was moving. Now about that outfit...Alot of black and that hat?? Was there like a behind the scenes huddle with Jackson Family plays being called. C. Breezy you def got you MJ on I know he's you idle, I know. And even newly self proclaimed "King B" got her MJ on.

Moving on....Love the Lifetime Achievement Award Recipient Patti LaBelle. She's always been one of my favs. The tribute by Marsha Ambrosius singing "If Only You Knew" was astounding, but Cee Lo, with that hair?? I coulda missed that. I get the grounds though, Patti was quite the entertainer in her prime. Beyonce on the other hand but on show from England, Illuminati ever present. I did enjoy the song selection and I copped the album today, 2 thumbs up! Bought Jill Scott and Adele too. Miguel's album is good, I know I'm mad late.

Anyway, The Five Heartbeats/After 7 was a good surprise as was Kelly Rowland's peformance. The song is hot, but the outfit was terrible. Nelly looked delicious as did Amber Rose, nice nude pics btw. Wiz Khalifa though....ehhh everyone has their preference I guess, Yeezy wasn't much better. Big Sean....I never know what to say, I mean the song is hot but nothing is big about you. Wish you all the success though.

The Husbands of Hollywood was by far the funniest most entertaining part of the show. Kevin Hart is a funny lil man. Feel bad for Tiffany Greene though, it wasn't your fault. And Breezy, if you really thugged your way into winning that award over Rihanna, you're crazier than I thought.

RIP to M-Bone, Teena Marie, Nate Dogg and Clarence Clemmons.