Surrounding myself with...
Those that love me
Those that trust me
Those that cherish me
Paying more heed...
The decisions that I make
Those who deserve my time
Less to those who waste it
Focusing on...
The path in front,
not the trail behind
Where I need and want to be for Me
Living my life....
Like it's golden
As a servant to God
Against all odds
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
To the point
Ppl stay giving me SHIT and expecting me to always make lemonade.
Well today my good ppl...I'm making shit shakes.
So drink up or do it yurself.
Well today my good ppl...I'm making shit shakes.
So drink up or do it yurself.
Monday, July 16, 2012
WWYD
If you could tune it all out, what would you choose to hear??
Pick and choose who, what, when and where
Sensor the fuckery and mute the unnecessary
if only this wasn't such a rarity
Or from a distance with a view
you could sit and watch, pull up a stool
Muster up the courage to relinquish all control
the outcome a mirage until it unfolds
Or would you rather know?? Before it even happens....
So you can prepare and no one can appear
without an invitation, there would be no hesitation
Only hopeful expectations.....
those little facts of life
That never seem to go your way...
Wouldn't it be nice.....
Pick and choose who, what, when and where
Sensor the fuckery and mute the unnecessary
if only this wasn't such a rarity
Or from a distance with a view
you could sit and watch, pull up a stool
Muster up the courage to relinquish all control
the outcome a mirage until it unfolds
Or would you rather know?? Before it even happens....
So you can prepare and no one can appear
without an invitation, there would be no hesitation
Only hopeful expectations.....
those little facts of life
That never seem to go your way...
Wouldn't it be nice.....
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Ode to Lover's Past....
So...
I wish I knew exactly what the words were to express how I feel and felt about you...
I wish I knew that you would hear me, or feel me, or simply care
I wish sometimes that we would have met at a different time, but it happened when it happened for a reason
Despite what so many others had to say, I loved us, "together". Yur smile, you cold hands, cute toes.
I miss all those things, less and less each day, but still in all I wasn't ready to let go of them
I will never forget you, for good reasons as well as bad. I will forever wonder what if, and I will always love you
But...
Nothing's changed on your end and on mine a lot has.
That awful day at my apt, I wish I could take back, but I can't.
I wish it was you that came when I asked for comfort, but it wasn't
I wish it wasn't you that I turned away, and I paid the price, dearly, for that poor choice in decision
So...
I, as well as you, need to move on.
Can't keep dwelling on what could've been and we def can't change the past
As much as I know you, I wish I had the chance to know more
But the time has come, for both of us, to become someone else's responsibility
Not sure what you believe or don't believe about what you know or think you know about me, but I would've spent forever and a day loving you and proving that I love you, If you woulda given me the chance
But you didn't
And here we are
so far from where we were...
I wish I knew exactly what the words were to express how I feel and felt about you...
I wish I knew that you would hear me, or feel me, or simply care
I wish sometimes that we would have met at a different time, but it happened when it happened for a reason
Despite what so many others had to say, I loved us, "together". Yur smile, you cold hands, cute toes.
I miss all those things, less and less each day, but still in all I wasn't ready to let go of them
I will never forget you, for good reasons as well as bad. I will forever wonder what if, and I will always love you
But...
Nothing's changed on your end and on mine a lot has.
That awful day at my apt, I wish I could take back, but I can't.
I wish it was you that came when I asked for comfort, but it wasn't
I wish it wasn't you that I turned away, and I paid the price, dearly, for that poor choice in decision
So...
I, as well as you, need to move on.
Can't keep dwelling on what could've been and we def can't change the past
As much as I know you, I wish I had the chance to know more
But the time has come, for both of us, to become someone else's responsibility
Not sure what you believe or don't believe about what you know or think you know about me, but I would've spent forever and a day loving you and proving that I love you, If you woulda given me the chance
But you didn't
And here we are
so far from where we were...
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Random
I find it hard to ignore or not be affected by the ignorance of others.
I like change, but only in certain aspects of my life.
If I could go back, I'm not sure what I'd do...
If my opinion mattered, I'd only share it with those open minded enough to not view with their own shades.
I'd speak less than I do now but speak up when I was often mute
If I knew then what I know now, I'd keep it all to myself
I'd stay in my bubble, far away from trouble
And end up just like them......
I like change, but only in certain aspects of my life.
If I could go back, I'm not sure what I'd do...
If my opinion mattered, I'd only share it with those open minded enough to not view with their own shades.
I'd speak less than I do now but speak up when I was often mute
If I knew then what I know now, I'd keep it all to myself
I'd stay in my bubble, far away from trouble
And end up just like them......
Friday, January 20, 2012
2012
It's funny how things come together. And it's only funny when you can "reflect." When a moment that seemed so real and neverending, is now behind you, you have no choice but to deal with what's left. I've had to make peace with so many things these last few years of my life, and I'm still standing....
I've had to overcome, persevere, get over, ignore, and let be.
I hope, foolishly, that this is it.
I pray that I have already fought most of my toughest battles.
I wish, for nothing
I need, never
I want, often
I love, hard
I miss, terribly
I forgive, seldom
I learn, always
I live.....
I've had to overcome, persevere, get over, ignore, and let be.
I hope, foolishly, that this is it.
I pray that I have already fought most of my toughest battles.
I wish, for nothing
I need, never
I want, often
I love, hard
I miss, terribly
I forgive, seldom
I learn, always
I live.....
Friday, December 30, 2011
Exhales
Today is Friday, December 30. Two days after the man that I'm seeing txt me and told me he loves me. One day after I write a letter in return, closing with an "I love you too" and less than 24 hours after this man walks through my door for the first time in 5 days, with still no flowers or card. I don't know what I was expecting but I really have to work on this expectations thing.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Checking In
Me here!!
In the crib bout to head to game night @ Candy and Tim's. Got the boo and the bestie in the building doing what we does!!
Had a ruff day, can't front. Emotionally that is... I been feeling so heavy lately. I neeeeed a release!! Of some sort.
Reminiscing about the days of yore. Meyer Levin....Ppl gone. Ppl still here. Past "loves". Ppl I don't even remember!
Gotta go soon.
That name!!!
In the crib bout to head to game night @ Candy and Tim's. Got the boo and the bestie in the building doing what we does!!
Had a ruff day, can't front. Emotionally that is... I been feeling so heavy lately. I neeeeed a release!! Of some sort.
Reminiscing about the days of yore. Meyer Levin....Ppl gone. Ppl still here. Past "loves". Ppl I don't even remember!
Gotta go soon.
That name!!!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Maybe....
Since i'm not tired and its 1:39am, I figured I share the thoughts in my head with you. I been trying to remember when was the last time I was happy. Truly happy, with or because of a man. i realize, let's just say it's been over a decade. I also realize that I have daddy issues. Not like I never met my father issues, but more like never felt the love from my father. he's a good man, not a dirtbag at all. But he wasn't affectionate. With that said, I find myself attempting to obtain these things from the men that i choose to engage with, for lack of a better term. And that's not right. But how do i fix it?
I've thought about therapy, but I don't just want to be another body on a couch pouring my heart for someone who has to remain removed from the situation. Although I wouldn't mind the opportunity to get all these thoughts out of my mind. they drive me crazy, keep my up at night and ultimately force them men, whose love I so desperately desire out of my life. And that's not right.
I try to find ways to suppress these emotions, and stop them from traveling that short path from my brain to my mouth, but most times I can't. I try to accept what is and even have faith, but that only lasts but for so long and I find myself doing the exact things that I promised myself I wouldn't. I try to make peace with the things that have happened to me, whether my fault or not, but what remains is this underlying sense of entitlement, maybe... But I try and I keep trying because I feel like that's better than giving up or giving in, but is it really??
Sometimes I just feel like I wasn't supposed to be here, now, the era, the borough, state, or country even. And I think of escaping, but wouldn't the things that i'm running away from just follow me?? I mean what's the chances that I leave, because I clearly can't return to my mother's womb, and all of a sudden this void is filled. I'm not that lucky, at least I haven't been thus far...
Optimism is something I try to encompass, but I have these things called expectations.....and they kill me every time. Guaranteed. In all my years of trying this love things I've managed to get rid of some and alter others, but still I find myself never being satisfied with the cards that I'm dealt. I find fault it almost everything and sometimes it's for the better. Most times not.
And I'm OK with this current endeavor coming to a close, even though it's only just begun. But that's not what I want. I can remove myself from my dad when the "machismo" begins to surface because at the end of the day he will always be my dad regardless. But I can't keep doing that with men. For many a reason. So what do I do??
I can tell you what I'm not going to do....(more like going to try not to do)
settle
bring up any of what I did today
expect more than what's possible from those around me
All of those are lose-lose situations, just take my word for it because I'm going to spare you the details. I just wanna be a girl. I wanna relax and let someone take care of me. The guard has been up for too long and it's in the way, has been for a while, and I know a lot of what I go through has to do with that, I just want to be sure, you know?? Before I go peeling it off and exposing myself to vultures of this world, I want to be sure that at least, I'm putting it in the right hands and I'm doing it for the right person. And I'm not talkin Mr. Perfect, fuck him, but the ppl whose paths were destined to cross mine.....
Maybe I want too much, maybe I'm too damaged, maybe I've allowed my past failures to dictate my future for far too long and that has got to stop.
Maybe,
Or maybe it's this dam IUD fucking with my hormones...
I've thought about therapy, but I don't just want to be another body on a couch pouring my heart for someone who has to remain removed from the situation. Although I wouldn't mind the opportunity to get all these thoughts out of my mind. they drive me crazy, keep my up at night and ultimately force them men, whose love I so desperately desire out of my life. And that's not right.
I try to find ways to suppress these emotions, and stop them from traveling that short path from my brain to my mouth, but most times I can't. I try to accept what is and even have faith, but that only lasts but for so long and I find myself doing the exact things that I promised myself I wouldn't. I try to make peace with the things that have happened to me, whether my fault or not, but what remains is this underlying sense of entitlement, maybe... But I try and I keep trying because I feel like that's better than giving up or giving in, but is it really??
Sometimes I just feel like I wasn't supposed to be here, now, the era, the borough, state, or country even. And I think of escaping, but wouldn't the things that i'm running away from just follow me?? I mean what's the chances that I leave, because I clearly can't return to my mother's womb, and all of a sudden this void is filled. I'm not that lucky, at least I haven't been thus far...
Optimism is something I try to encompass, but I have these things called expectations.....and they kill me every time. Guaranteed. In all my years of trying this love things I've managed to get rid of some and alter others, but still I find myself never being satisfied with the cards that I'm dealt. I find fault it almost everything and sometimes it's for the better. Most times not.
And I'm OK with this current endeavor coming to a close, even though it's only just begun. But that's not what I want. I can remove myself from my dad when the "machismo" begins to surface because at the end of the day he will always be my dad regardless. But I can't keep doing that with men. For many a reason. So what do I do??
I can tell you what I'm not going to do....(more like going to try not to do)
settle
bring up any of what I did today
expect more than what's possible from those around me
All of those are lose-lose situations, just take my word for it because I'm going to spare you the details. I just wanna be a girl. I wanna relax and let someone take care of me. The guard has been up for too long and it's in the way, has been for a while, and I know a lot of what I go through has to do with that, I just want to be sure, you know?? Before I go peeling it off and exposing myself to vultures of this world, I want to be sure that at least, I'm putting it in the right hands and I'm doing it for the right person. And I'm not talkin Mr. Perfect, fuck him, but the ppl whose paths were destined to cross mine.....
Maybe I want too much, maybe I'm too damaged, maybe I've allowed my past failures to dictate my future for far too long and that has got to stop.
Maybe,
Or maybe it's this dam IUD fucking with my hormones...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Until I close the curtain...
There are things in this world that can't be explained, most involve pain, like when you lose a loved one. Things in this world you have to see to believe, and even then you can't believe your eyes. Things in this world that I wish had never happened. Things that I wish I had the power to undo. Things that I feel, that no time can heal. Voices now whispers. Touches still linger.
People I've lost, that I loved with all my heart. Both close to home and miles apart. Some I just spoke to and those I meant to call. My public apology, my writings on the wall. I feel guilty for my thoughts and proclamations of unfairness. I feel heavy because I'll NEVER understand it all.
I find peace in almost nothing, my rationale has reached its peak. I find myself at a loss for words, I know not the words to speak.
Life's only guarantee is that one day we'll all be free. My time will come, his will be done. And I will see you all again, so until then... You're forever in my prayers, my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, I will NOT let 2011 tear my life apart.
RIP
Maxine
Ron
Ju$e
Lil' Cash
Ms. Adams
Jaeden
Heavy d
Joe Frazier
Steve Jobs
People I've lost, that I loved with all my heart. Both close to home and miles apart. Some I just spoke to and those I meant to call. My public apology, my writings on the wall. I feel guilty for my thoughts and proclamations of unfairness. I feel heavy because I'll NEVER understand it all.
I find peace in almost nothing, my rationale has reached its peak. I find myself at a loss for words, I know not the words to speak.
Life's only guarantee is that one day we'll all be free. My time will come, his will be done. And I will see you all again, so until then... You're forever in my prayers, my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, I will NOT let 2011 tear my life apart.
RIP
Maxine
Ron
Ju$e
Lil' Cash
Ms. Adams
Jaeden
Heavy d
Joe Frazier
Steve Jobs
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